I Learned it from Watching You

MMMM, Drugs. There's nothing like a good drug, eh? I know I love 'em. If you haven't done drugs, but would like to start, there really isn't a place you can go that tells you the pros and cons of each drug; ie: all the information about drugs from the Man tells you that they are all bad. I decided that as a public service, I would explain the different drugs out there and tell you what sort of effects they may have.

Let's begin with the Gateway Drug. Not Marijuana, but Alcohol. If it wasn't for drinking a fifth of gin when I was 18, I would not have ever tried weed. That's why alcohol is the gateway drug and not Mary Jane. Alcohol is great, but it does turn you retarded when you've reached its maximum effect. Also, the Man has easy ways of testing you when you are driving while under the influence of alcohol. That's why I recommend doing other drugs on occasion (and driving while on them).

After alcohol, many people start with Marijuana, aka: Pot, Weed, Mary Jane, Green, Chronic, Hash, Chocolate Cake with Green Icing, Trees, Herb, Sticky-Icky-Icky, etc... Pot is a great way to start doing drugs, and I highly recommend it. (Especially if you are still in junior high school.) It gets you fucked up, but not too bad. Some potential effects of pot include: mild retardation, loss of attention span, heavy cartoon watching, something about memory loss or something, unemployment, the giggles, StuckToTheCouchitis, and Cap'n Crunchberry addiction. Many people claim that pot opens up their artistic mind, but if you look at the majority of stoner works, it sucks really, really bad. Take Terms of Endearment, for example. Larry McMurtry was really high when he wrote that and it was a major downer. However, a really good thing about pot is that it is used by a large spectrum of the populace, so you can move from clique to clique without changing your whole personality. One thing all pot smokers have in common is that they think they are much cooler and enlightened than everyone that doesn't smoke pot.

The next drug I'd like to go over is Ecstasy, aka: MDMA, E, X, how'd this dick get in my ear, etc... Ecstasy is the spawn of when Heroin and Meth have a gangbanging orgy with cleaning products. Ecstasy is what you would call a Club Drug. That's because people do it at clubs. Hey, people on drugs make up these terms, what do you expect? You know ecstasy is kicking in when you feel the horrible shit cramp. After that, it's all beautiful. Things people like to do while on ecstasy include: rubbing things, sucking things, fucking things, twirling glow sticks, drinking water, glitter, bass on taint action, secreting fluids from every orifice, telling you they love you, and archery. Ecstasy is cute as it always has a fun little picture on the tab. I recommend Mickey Mouse ecstasy, but a big thumbs down to the Cheer Bear tab. The best ecstasy comes in capsule form and is made by the government to distribute at state dinners. People who do ecstasy on a frequent basis usually have holes in their brains and are really easy lays.

Ecstasy can give you mild hallucinations, but if you want the real deal, go with LSD, aka: Acid, CIA Juice, Lucy, Oh my God, my feet are trying to eat me, etc... Being on Acid is the closest I've ever been to total insanity and broken from reality. Needless to say, it was AWESOME! Some potential effects of Acid include: Smelly colors, talking urns, dancing shoes, God-complexes, dementia, and thinking you are a glass of orange juice. In my opinion, Acid is a good drug to do if you are going to a Prom or playing a football game. People who do Acid on a regular basis are fucking crazy and should be treated as such. It is also considered really cool to fuck with someone on Acid. They sure love their Bad Trips. I sometimes have Acid Flashbacks and when I come to, I am doing some crazy shit; eg: strangling hookers with doorknobs, pooping on my boss's head - you know, shit like that. (SIDEBAR: I tripped balls in a Las Vegas penthouse & the exact room was on VH1 the other day. Neat!)

The natural cousin to LSD are Mushrooms, aka: 'Shrooms, Caps & Stems, Holy Shit these taste like ASS!, etc... Shrooms are great and are probably my favorite illegal drug. It is like supercharged pot. Unlike Acid, Shrooms won't make you into a psychotic killer. You should totally take them everyday. (I like mine with icing.) Also, they are found under cow shit, so there's a weekend activity the whole family can enjoy.

We now move from the Psychedelic drug family to the Speed family. People from these families usually don't get along. First off, there is Cocaine, aka: Coke, Nose Candy, Tony Montana, Shitty Pepsi, etc... Coke had it's run back in the 80's and people who still love their Members Only jackets probably have some Coke residue somewhere on their person. However, Coke was expensive, and the high didn't last too long, so Nancy Reagan invented Crack to sell to minorities. For a more detailed history, watch New Jack City or Babe 2: Pig in the City.

Now the white trash poor people were jealous of the minorities, so Al Gore invented Crystal Methamphetamine, aka: Meth, Crystal, Tweak, Ice, Crank, Glass, Dentist in a Pipe, etc... People on Meth generally enjoy cleaning things, picking at their skin, taking electronics apart, not showering, rearranging shit, losing teeth, massive paranoia, alienating family and friends, 16 hour marathon fucks, not eating, taking painful shits, smelly pussies, being awake, and permanent psychological damage. One of the pros of Meth is that it is very, very hard to get addicted to, so definitely give it a try. I've never met a tweaker that said they were addicted, so there you go. Tweakers also use Coke to comedown, so you know Coke is some pussy shit. Another non-addictive drug to try out is Heroin. Heroin is another kind of a pussy drug and the best means of transporting it is to put it in a balloon and swallow it. A few days later, shit it out and enjoy! People don't really need to do heroin anymore since there are many prescription drugs that do the same thing. Segue...

In the 40's, the Man decided to create legal versions of all the aforementioned drugs and put them into a pill form. The purpose of this was to develop suburbia and keep women in kitchens. The administration at the time had a high heels and apron fetish and the only way to keep those crazy broads at home was to invent Valium. Then they invented painkillers to compensate for all the dildo injuries sustained while all the boys were in WWII. From this, we got the wonderful Hydrocodone, which includes, Vicodan and Lortabs. Then they added heroin, crack, midget feces, fiberglass, and Windex to Vicodans and came up with Oxycodone, aka: Oxycotton, Oxy, O's, etc... You know when it is working because you start scratching your skin off and projectile vomiting. Then you have to take more because your skin and throat hurts. Well played, Drug companies, well played. Backing up to the Valium family, we were blessed by Jesus himself with the gift of Xanax. Xanax is manufactured by cherub angels in Heaven and is the most wonderful thing the Lord ever gave us. Really good Icee's are choc-fulla Xanax. If you are a parent, start giving your child Xanax at around 18 months and continue until they are as docile as a baby calf. Then, when you eat them, their Xanax rich muscles will totally fuck you up. It is awesome.

The final drug I will go over is the most addictive drug on the planet. It is also the oldest drug out of all drugs. I was addicted after my first experience and think about it constantly. However, it is sometimes tricky to get and is very, very expensive (unless you go to Mexico). I am talking of course, about Pussy, aka: Snatch, Fargina, the Pink, Love Canal, Silky Cock Glove, Hair Pie, Trim, Fag Repellant, Pink Taco, best thing ever, Sticky-Icky-Icky, etc... Pussy gives the best highs and is also a mood elevator. Some Pussy has health restorative properties, such as healing canker sores due to extreme sunflower seed eating sessions. However, much like Acid, you can get the occasional bad hit of Pussy, and that can scar the novice user. While Pussy is legal in America, it is banned from many Middle Eastern countries. Some side effects of Pussy may include: Offspring, itchiness, abortion fees, being whipped, major money loss, loss of balls, and putting it on a pedestal.

I hope now you know which drugs you may want to take. I would try to take all of them, if I were you - preferably trying them all in one night. It is also fun to give them to your pets and children.