The Perfect Cheer

Gore Vidal says a good deed never goes unpunished. Charlie Bowdre says it's not easy havin' pals. I say a drunk redneck with a gun cannot ever be a good thing. I can relate to all of these quotes after my Tontitown adventure.

I didn't have any plans on Saturday night, so I was going to spend a relaxing night at Casa de Turk. I was playing blackjack with myself and actually talking shit aloud to my dealer half when I would win a hand. When I realized that, I was concerned with my state of mind, but my cellphone broke my mental health introspection. On the line was my best pal Mis. She and her husband, Bocephus, were going to a Halloween party in rural Tontitown. Which now that I write it, looks like Ton tit town, heh. Anyway, they asked if I wanted to go and not really in the mood to deal with a bunch of drunkerfied rednecks, I declined the invite. However, I offered to drive them there and pick them up when they were ready to go so they could both get really fucked up. What a pal, eh?

They showed up at the house and they were dressed like the Spartan Cheerleaders from SNL. It was pretty funny to see burly Bo dressed as a cheerleader. I drove them out to Tontitown, which was about 20 minutes from my house, dropped them off and went back home to resume kicking my ass at blackjack. A little after midnight, Mis called and said that they were about ready to go, so I jumped in Sally and made my way back to Tontitown. When I got to the party, I heard people in the backyard and made my way to find my drunks. When I made it to the backyard, it looked like a typical redneckish party. There was a bonfire, with a doghouse being the fuel, there were dudes 'rasslin', talking about fute-ball, and making fun of minorities. Basically everything I expected. My elitism was coming off me like a rich musk and the rednecks were picking up on the scent and giving me the stink eye. I finally found Mis and Bocephus. I love when drunk Bocephus introduces me to people. He always says, "this is Sean - he's from Vegas!" Which always gets a "ooooh, Vegas? Goddamn, son!"

Bocephus said he wasn't ready to go, so I told him that I was cool and would hang out for a while. Mis & I went down and sat by the fire so I could make fun of rednecks. While we were sitting there, we noticed a crew of people coming into the party. They were tweaky looking dudes and they had a bleach blonde fat pregnant chick and ten year old boy in tow. What wonderful parenting, bringing a child to a drunken party at one o'clock in the morning. I felt bad for him. There was one guy with this group in particular that looked like trouble. His name was TJ, but I'm going to refer to him as Stupid Fuck. Stupid Fuck came up to me and offered me a Jell-O Shot. Since I had seen seven thousand cops on my way into Tontitown, I wasn't going to take any DUI chances, so I declined - and he called me a pussy. I have been called much worse than a pussy, and since I kind of am a pussy, I wasn't pissed off. I thought that bragging about doing Jell-O Shots was kinda pussy myself, but what do I know? At the same time a guy dressed like Flava Flav, with his face painted totally black, was wrestling this other guy and fucking suplexed this dude hard. I immediately thought, Flava Flav just broke that dude's neck. He didn't, but you could feel the testosterone in the air and we all knew that a fight was imminent.

Later on, Mis and I were sitting on the back porch and she went in to use the bathroom. I noticed that it was two o'clock, so I was messing with my phone to get the daylight savings time to change. I heard escalation in the voices down by the fire and when I looked over, I saw a dude punch some other dude. The dudes kept going at it with the others surrounding them. Then I heard Bocephus yell at some dude for jumping in and all hell broke loose. All of the sudden there were twelve dudes kicking the shit out of each other. I knew that Bo could hold his own, so I stayed away just watching the redneck mosh pit. Mis ran out and jumped into the middle trying to restrain Bo. She's fearless. I looked to my right and the kid was there watching. He told me, "I'm gonna go get my switchblade and start cuttin' everyone." Hello, Crazytown. I tried to explain how violence was stupid and the guys were just being immature. Then the kid started crying because his pregnant mother was in the fray. I felt so bad for this poor kid and tried to tell him that everything would be okay.

By this time, the fight had dispersed into a few mini shoving matches and Stupid Fuck came huffing over my way (with his shirt off, priceless) and said, "I'm goin' to get my gun outa my van." I had flashbacks of the same scene from White Men Can't Jump. I tried to reason with Stupid Fuck that bringing a gun into this situation was just about the worst idea ever, but my negotiations were in vain and he continued to his shitty minivan. However, the kid told me he didn't have a gun in the van and he was right. Stupid Fuck came back sans pistol. Then the kid started crying and telling his crew that the other dudes had pushed him into the rocks surrounding the fire. I was with the kid the whole time, he was never touched by anyone, nor was he even close to the firepit. He was making this up to start more shit. I was amazed at this.

I had seen and heard enough and was ready to get the fuck out of Tontitown. Mis was calming Bocephus on the other side of the yard, so I decided to duck behind a tree because I had to piss since way before the fight started. As I was walking, I heard the familiar POP, POP, POP and turned to see a dude shooting a handgun in the air. I could envision him firing it off in my direction and me dying with my dick in my hand. I reconsidered my pissing spot and decided to worry about bladder relief after we got the hell out of this nightmare.

I saw Mis running across the yard and she told me that we were getting the fuck out of there. I agreed and we went to my car. She opened up the passenger door and ran off to get Bocephus. I was in the front of the house and all alone, so I decided that I could safely take my piss and went about that business. When I was finished, I noticed Flava Flav creeping up to me. (That is the most ridiculous sentence I've ever written) Flava came about two feet from me and stopped so I said, "What up, Flav?" He looked at me and stepped a few feet back. Then to top off this wonderful situation, Stupid Fuck (still without a shirt) came huffing toward me. He and Flava were pacing around me like drunken vultures and I was preparing to get the shit kicked out of myself. I lit a cig (to put in someone's eye) and wrapped my fist around my keys. I may have my ass kicked, but I'll be damned if I don't go down fighting. The tension was rising and all I could think about was, "this'll make a good story."

As I was about to get punched, my cell started going haywire and making all kinds of noise. I was getting text message after text message, one after the other. This was the distraction I needed. So I acted very nonchalant and grabbed the phone out of my pocket and started walking around the car, passing the crazies, and pretending to be focused on the messages. I shut the passenger door, hit the lock, and made my way back to the backyard. The funny thing was, the mad texter was none other than Exie McGhee. Haven't heard from her since July and she decides to send me 8,000 texts at that moment? God works in mysterious ways.

We finally got Bocephus calmed down enough to get in my car. His buddies were telling me that Stupid Fuck and his crew were waiting on us to chase us in their minivan and then beat us up. I wasn't worried about that, as Sally can outrun any minivan any day of the week, so we made it out of Tontitown without further incident. Mis couldn't quit apologizing to me for putting me in such a fucked up position, but shit like that is what makes life interesting. However, I told them if they ever need a ride again, I would only pick them up at a fucking bar.

I would have to say that the greatest thing about the night was when I was looking for Bocephus' shoe in between my Flava incident and when we finally left. Some of the minivan crew were looking for a pair of glasses in the same vicinity, so I asked them how the fight started. One guy said, "Well, my brother hit one guy and then I hit a guy and then the cheerleader jumped in and went nuts." "Yeah," said the other dude, "that cheerleader was fucking crazy." Who's that Spartan kicking everyone's ass? It's Bo, it's Bo!

My First Buzz

When I was around five or six years old, my grandparents ran and lived in a hotel in the Spa City. It was always a lot of fun going over there, due to the free ice cream and swimming pool privileges. I also got to ride my big-wheel down the halls ala The Shining (redrum!). Sometimes they would have promotions and on a few occasions, they would ask me to help out. This promotion in particular was circus themed, so I got to be a cute little clown.

It was a beautiful summer Saturday morning and I was getting clowned up. Some fun make-up, a polka-dot gay little suit, and even a big cone-shaped hat. However, there was one important element missing: A red clown nose. I had to have a clown nose, even at six years old I knew just painting my nose red was some bush league bullshit and I wasn't going on without a fucking real clown nose. I believe my exact words were, "I'm not going on without a fucking real clown nose, Grandma!" It was the eleventh hour, no time to acquire a clown nose, so my Grandmother got creative. She cut a hole in a ping pong ball and fastened a small elastic strap. Now she just needed to transform it from white to red, and what better way to do that then with red nail polish.

I remember putting the homemade clown nose on and complaining of the awful, but intriguing smell. Grandma told me that I'd get used to it and to quit being "such a goddamn little titty baby." So I went out to the pool area to wow the crowd with my clown antics. It was about 120 degrees out and I was starting to sweat like a clown whore in clown church. I was also feeling quite light headed, but I was not concerned as I totally loved this new feeling. My mother finally arrived to take some pictures of her cute little clown, when she noticed him trying to hump a balloon animal. I was like, "What up Mom, I'm fuuuuucked up over here! Whooo, fucking balloon animals is awesome! I'm Huffy the Clown, give me a Whippit bitch!" To which my mother dropkicked me about 25 yards. When she came to finish me off, she noticed the ghetto ass clown nose I had on. She ripped the nose off and smelled it and went fucking insane on my grandma. "You're letting my sweet little son of a bitch huff paint? What the fuck, mom!" she screamed in front of all the little clown lovers. I was still pretty high from my huffing experience, so the language might have been different, but the events are as I remember. That was the day I learned that I love being fucked up and there are a multitude of different resources to help me achieve that goal.

I Learned it from Watching You

MMMM, Drugs. There's nothing like a good drug, eh? I know I love 'em. If you haven't done drugs, but would like to start, there really isn't a place you can go that tells you the pros and cons of each drug; ie: all the information about drugs from the Man tells you that they are all bad. I decided that as a public service, I would explain the different drugs out there and tell you what sort of effects they may have.

Let's begin with the Gateway Drug. Not Marijuana, but Alcohol. If it wasn't for drinking a fifth of gin when I was 18, I would not have ever tried weed. That's why alcohol is the gateway drug and not Mary Jane. Alcohol is great, but it does turn you retarded when you've reached its maximum effect. Also, the Man has easy ways of testing you when you are driving while under the influence of alcohol. That's why I recommend doing other drugs on occasion (and driving while on them).

After alcohol, many people start with Marijuana, aka: Pot, Weed, Mary Jane, Green, Chronic, Hash, Chocolate Cake with Green Icing, Trees, Herb, Sticky-Icky-Icky, etc... Pot is a great way to start doing drugs, and I highly recommend it. (Especially if you are still in junior high school.) It gets you fucked up, but not too bad. Some potential effects of pot include: mild retardation, loss of attention span, heavy cartoon watching, something about memory loss or something, unemployment, the giggles, StuckToTheCouchitis, and Cap'n Crunchberry addiction. Many people claim that pot opens up their artistic mind, but if you look at the majority of stoner works, it sucks really, really bad. Take Terms of Endearment, for example. Larry McMurtry was really high when he wrote that and it was a major downer. However, a really good thing about pot is that it is used by a large spectrum of the populace, so you can move from clique to clique without changing your whole personality. One thing all pot smokers have in common is that they think they are much cooler and enlightened than everyone that doesn't smoke pot.

The next drug I'd like to go over is Ecstasy, aka: MDMA, E, X, how'd this dick get in my ear, etc... Ecstasy is the spawn of when Heroin and Meth have a gangbanging orgy with cleaning products. Ecstasy is what you would call a Club Drug. That's because people do it at clubs. Hey, people on drugs make up these terms, what do you expect? You know ecstasy is kicking in when you feel the horrible shit cramp. After that, it's all beautiful. Things people like to do while on ecstasy include: rubbing things, sucking things, fucking things, twirling glow sticks, drinking water, glitter, bass on taint action, secreting fluids from every orifice, telling you they love you, and archery. Ecstasy is cute as it always has a fun little picture on the tab. I recommend Mickey Mouse ecstasy, but a big thumbs down to the Cheer Bear tab. The best ecstasy comes in capsule form and is made by the government to distribute at state dinners. People who do ecstasy on a frequent basis usually have holes in their brains and are really easy lays.

Ecstasy can give you mild hallucinations, but if you want the real deal, go with LSD, aka: Acid, CIA Juice, Lucy, Oh my God, my feet are trying to eat me, etc... Being on Acid is the closest I've ever been to total insanity and broken from reality. Needless to say, it was AWESOME! Some potential effects of Acid include: Smelly colors, talking urns, dancing shoes, God-complexes, dementia, and thinking you are a glass of orange juice. In my opinion, Acid is a good drug to do if you are going to a Prom or playing a football game. People who do Acid on a regular basis are fucking crazy and should be treated as such. It is also considered really cool to fuck with someone on Acid. They sure love their Bad Trips. I sometimes have Acid Flashbacks and when I come to, I am doing some crazy shit; eg: strangling hookers with doorknobs, pooping on my boss's head - you know, shit like that. (SIDEBAR: I tripped balls in a Las Vegas penthouse & the exact room was on VH1 the other day. Neat!)

The natural cousin to LSD are Mushrooms, aka: 'Shrooms, Caps & Stems, Holy Shit these taste like ASS!, etc... Shrooms are great and are probably my favorite illegal drug. It is like supercharged pot. Unlike Acid, Shrooms won't make you into a psychotic killer. You should totally take them everyday. (I like mine with icing.) Also, they are found under cow shit, so there's a weekend activity the whole family can enjoy.

We now move from the Psychedelic drug family to the Speed family. People from these families usually don't get along. First off, there is Cocaine, aka: Coke, Nose Candy, Tony Montana, Shitty Pepsi, etc... Coke had it's run back in the 80's and people who still love their Members Only jackets probably have some Coke residue somewhere on their person. However, Coke was expensive, and the high didn't last too long, so Nancy Reagan invented Crack to sell to minorities. For a more detailed history, watch New Jack City or Babe 2: Pig in the City.

Now the white trash poor people were jealous of the minorities, so Al Gore invented Crystal Methamphetamine, aka: Meth, Crystal, Tweak, Ice, Crank, Glass, Dentist in a Pipe, etc... People on Meth generally enjoy cleaning things, picking at their skin, taking electronics apart, not showering, rearranging shit, losing teeth, massive paranoia, alienating family and friends, 16 hour marathon fucks, not eating, taking painful shits, smelly pussies, being awake, and permanent psychological damage. One of the pros of Meth is that it is very, very hard to get addicted to, so definitely give it a try. I've never met a tweaker that said they were addicted, so there you go. Tweakers also use Coke to comedown, so you know Coke is some pussy shit. Another non-addictive drug to try out is Heroin. Heroin is another kind of a pussy drug and the best means of transporting it is to put it in a balloon and swallow it. A few days later, shit it out and enjoy! People don't really need to do heroin anymore since there are many prescription drugs that do the same thing. Segue...

In the 40's, the Man decided to create legal versions of all the aforementioned drugs and put them into a pill form. The purpose of this was to develop suburbia and keep women in kitchens. The administration at the time had a high heels and apron fetish and the only way to keep those crazy broads at home was to invent Valium. Then they invented painkillers to compensate for all the dildo injuries sustained while all the boys were in WWII. From this, we got the wonderful Hydrocodone, which includes, Vicodan and Lortabs. Then they added heroin, crack, midget feces, fiberglass, and Windex to Vicodans and came up with Oxycodone, aka: Oxycotton, Oxy, O's, etc... You know when it is working because you start scratching your skin off and projectile vomiting. Then you have to take more because your skin and throat hurts. Well played, Drug companies, well played. Backing up to the Valium family, we were blessed by Jesus himself with the gift of Xanax. Xanax is manufactured by cherub angels in Heaven and is the most wonderful thing the Lord ever gave us. Really good Icee's are choc-fulla Xanax. If you are a parent, start giving your child Xanax at around 18 months and continue until they are as docile as a baby calf. Then, when you eat them, their Xanax rich muscles will totally fuck you up. It is awesome.

The final drug I will go over is the most addictive drug on the planet. It is also the oldest drug out of all drugs. I was addicted after my first experience and think about it constantly. However, it is sometimes tricky to get and is very, very expensive (unless you go to Mexico). I am talking of course, about Pussy, aka: Snatch, Fargina, the Pink, Love Canal, Silky Cock Glove, Hair Pie, Trim, Fag Repellant, Pink Taco, best thing ever, Sticky-Icky-Icky, etc... Pussy gives the best highs and is also a mood elevator. Some Pussy has health restorative properties, such as healing canker sores due to extreme sunflower seed eating sessions. However, much like Acid, you can get the occasional bad hit of Pussy, and that can scar the novice user. While Pussy is legal in America, it is banned from many Middle Eastern countries. Some side effects of Pussy may include: Offspring, itchiness, abortion fees, being whipped, major money loss, loss of balls, and putting it on a pedestal.

I hope now you know which drugs you may want to take. I would try to take all of them, if I were you - preferably trying them all in one night. It is also fun to give them to your pets and children.

Jacked Up

I have realized during my 29 years on this planet that nothing can be easy. The simplest tasks have a way of snowballing into some ridiculous shit. Take this morning for example:

I overslept and left the house at 8am this morning. The shitty thing is that I should be at work at 8am, so the day was starting out badly. However, there is a silver lining - or so I thought. Traffic was pretty light and I was using the skills I picked up at the Bruce Willis School of Awesome Driving and was making excellent time. Then I heard that familiar 'pop.' That's right, I had blown the 1,347th tire in my driving career. Since this is all too common occurance, I was not too pissed off. In fact, I had a good excuse to be late now. "Yay for blowouts," I thought. I pull over to the shoulder and it is the driver's side rear, flat as my first junior high girlfriend. I popped the trunk, pulled out the spare and lo and behold, no fucking jack. Then a fuzzy memory plays on my mindscape. My ex-wife had a flat and I used my jack to change it because her's sucked ass. Then, being a lazy fuck, I just threw my jack in her trunk - where it remains to this day; 1,499 miles away. Now I was pissed. I did find a pink Game Boy Advance in the tire well though. Neat. I called a chick at work and asked her to send someone with a jack.

About 30 minutes later a coworker pulls up and hey, he's got not one, but two jacks. Yahoo for school, yahoo for me! Problem: Both jacks are for trucks and would not fit under my car. What the fuck? Both of them? Yes. So we got in his truck and cruised down to Wal-Mart and I bought a jack. By the time I got back to the car, it had been 90 minutes since the blowout. I changed the tire in record time, due to being scared shitless thanks to coworker man. He tells me he is frightened of all the 18-wheelers flying by us at 80 mph. However, I am about 7 feet from the trucks as he stands 30 yards from the road. He says, "remember that COPS where the dude is slammed while he's giving a ticket?" Thanks dude, I really need to hear that while I am a pubic hair's width from the white line. I get it done and the spare is only half-flat (I'm an optimist).

I go back to Wal-Mart to get two new tires. Who needs this shit again? I found someone who knows less about cars than I do - unfortunately, it was the clerk who was to sell me the tires. I did get the tires put on 75 minutes later and rolled into work a nice 3 hours late. As the man said, "I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue."