The Perfect Cheer

Gore Vidal says a good deed never goes unpunished. Charlie Bowdre says it's not easy havin' pals. I say a drunk redneck with a gun cannot ever be a good thing. I can relate to all of these quotes after my Tontitown adventure.

I didn't have any plans on Saturday night, so I was going to spend a relaxing night at Casa de Turk. I was playing blackjack with myself and actually talking shit aloud to my dealer half when I would win a hand. When I realized that, I was concerned with my state of mind, but my cellphone broke my mental health introspection. On the line was my best pal Mis. She and her husband, Bocephus, were going to a Halloween party in rural Tontitown. Which now that I write it, looks like Ton tit town, heh. Anyway, they asked if I wanted to go and not really in the mood to deal with a bunch of drunkerfied rednecks, I declined the invite. However, I offered to drive them there and pick them up when they were ready to go so they could both get really fucked up. What a pal, eh?

They showed up at the house and they were dressed like the Spartan Cheerleaders from SNL. It was pretty funny to see burly Bo dressed as a cheerleader. I drove them out to Tontitown, which was about 20 minutes from my house, dropped them off and went back home to resume kicking my ass at blackjack. A little after midnight, Mis called and said that they were about ready to go, so I jumped in Sally and made my way back to Tontitown. When I got to the party, I heard people in the backyard and made my way to find my drunks. When I made it to the backyard, it looked like a typical redneckish party. There was a bonfire, with a doghouse being the fuel, there were dudes 'rasslin', talking about fute-ball, and making fun of minorities. Basically everything I expected. My elitism was coming off me like a rich musk and the rednecks were picking up on the scent and giving me the stink eye. I finally found Mis and Bocephus. I love when drunk Bocephus introduces me to people. He always says, "this is Sean - he's from Vegas!" Which always gets a "ooooh, Vegas? Goddamn, son!"

Bocephus said he wasn't ready to go, so I told him that I was cool and would hang out for a while. Mis & I went down and sat by the fire so I could make fun of rednecks. While we were sitting there, we noticed a crew of people coming into the party. They were tweaky looking dudes and they had a bleach blonde fat pregnant chick and ten year old boy in tow. What wonderful parenting, bringing a child to a drunken party at one o'clock in the morning. I felt bad for him. There was one guy with this group in particular that looked like trouble. His name was TJ, but I'm going to refer to him as Stupid Fuck. Stupid Fuck came up to me and offered me a Jell-O Shot. Since I had seen seven thousand cops on my way into Tontitown, I wasn't going to take any DUI chances, so I declined - and he called me a pussy. I have been called much worse than a pussy, and since I kind of am a pussy, I wasn't pissed off. I thought that bragging about doing Jell-O Shots was kinda pussy myself, but what do I know? At the same time a guy dressed like Flava Flav, with his face painted totally black, was wrestling this other guy and fucking suplexed this dude hard. I immediately thought, Flava Flav just broke that dude's neck. He didn't, but you could feel the testosterone in the air and we all knew that a fight was imminent.

Later on, Mis and I were sitting on the back porch and she went in to use the bathroom. I noticed that it was two o'clock, so I was messing with my phone to get the daylight savings time to change. I heard escalation in the voices down by the fire and when I looked over, I saw a dude punch some other dude. The dudes kept going at it with the others surrounding them. Then I heard Bocephus yell at some dude for jumping in and all hell broke loose. All of the sudden there were twelve dudes kicking the shit out of each other. I knew that Bo could hold his own, so I stayed away just watching the redneck mosh pit. Mis ran out and jumped into the middle trying to restrain Bo. She's fearless. I looked to my right and the kid was there watching. He told me, "I'm gonna go get my switchblade and start cuttin' everyone." Hello, Crazytown. I tried to explain how violence was stupid and the guys were just being immature. Then the kid started crying because his pregnant mother was in the fray. I felt so bad for this poor kid and tried to tell him that everything would be okay.

By this time, the fight had dispersed into a few mini shoving matches and Stupid Fuck came huffing over my way (with his shirt off, priceless) and said, "I'm goin' to get my gun outa my van." I had flashbacks of the same scene from White Men Can't Jump. I tried to reason with Stupid Fuck that bringing a gun into this situation was just about the worst idea ever, but my negotiations were in vain and he continued to his shitty minivan. However, the kid told me he didn't have a gun in the van and he was right. Stupid Fuck came back sans pistol. Then the kid started crying and telling his crew that the other dudes had pushed him into the rocks surrounding the fire. I was with the kid the whole time, he was never touched by anyone, nor was he even close to the firepit. He was making this up to start more shit. I was amazed at this.

I had seen and heard enough and was ready to get the fuck out of Tontitown. Mis was calming Bocephus on the other side of the yard, so I decided to duck behind a tree because I had to piss since way before the fight started. As I was walking, I heard the familiar POP, POP, POP and turned to see a dude shooting a handgun in the air. I could envision him firing it off in my direction and me dying with my dick in my hand. I reconsidered my pissing spot and decided to worry about bladder relief after we got the hell out of this nightmare.

I saw Mis running across the yard and she told me that we were getting the fuck out of there. I agreed and we went to my car. She opened up the passenger door and ran off to get Bocephus. I was in the front of the house and all alone, so I decided that I could safely take my piss and went about that business. When I was finished, I noticed Flava Flav creeping up to me. (That is the most ridiculous sentence I've ever written) Flava came about two feet from me and stopped so I said, "What up, Flav?" He looked at me and stepped a few feet back. Then to top off this wonderful situation, Stupid Fuck (still without a shirt) came huffing toward me. He and Flava were pacing around me like drunken vultures and I was preparing to get the shit kicked out of myself. I lit a cig (to put in someone's eye) and wrapped my fist around my keys. I may have my ass kicked, but I'll be damned if I don't go down fighting. The tension was rising and all I could think about was, "this'll make a good story."

As I was about to get punched, my cell started going haywire and making all kinds of noise. I was getting text message after text message, one after the other. This was the distraction I needed. So I acted very nonchalant and grabbed the phone out of my pocket and started walking around the car, passing the crazies, and pretending to be focused on the messages. I shut the passenger door, hit the lock, and made my way back to the backyard. The funny thing was, the mad texter was none other than Exie McGhee. Haven't heard from her since July and she decides to send me 8,000 texts at that moment? God works in mysterious ways.

We finally got Bocephus calmed down enough to get in my car. His buddies were telling me that Stupid Fuck and his crew were waiting on us to chase us in their minivan and then beat us up. I wasn't worried about that, as Sally can outrun any minivan any day of the week, so we made it out of Tontitown without further incident. Mis couldn't quit apologizing to me for putting me in such a fucked up position, but shit like that is what makes life interesting. However, I told them if they ever need a ride again, I would only pick them up at a fucking bar.

I would have to say that the greatest thing about the night was when I was looking for Bocephus' shoe in between my Flava incident and when we finally left. Some of the minivan crew were looking for a pair of glasses in the same vicinity, so I asked them how the fight started. One guy said, "Well, my brother hit one guy and then I hit a guy and then the cheerleader jumped in and went nuts." "Yeah," said the other dude, "that cheerleader was fucking crazy." Who's that Spartan kicking everyone's ass? It's Bo, it's Bo!